A financial setback

Today, a month of anxious waiting came to an end. A couple funding opportunities that would have greatly facilitated the writing of my dissertation and allowed me to go on the job market this fall have failed to materialize. It's been somewhat demoralizing. In one case, the circumstances have left me feeling, "My work wasn't good enough." In another case, I was actually awarded the funding, and then just a few days later the funding got cancelled because of the economy. My outward response to that one was gracious, but inwardly I'm seething mad—not at anyone in particular but at what feels like the injustice of the situation: I earned the prize, but then it was taken from me.

So I'm left feeling a bit depressed. And to be honest, I feel angry at God. But then I think to myself: Oh for crying out loud, John-Charles. It's a financial setback. It will make the next year or two difficult and stressful. You'll be poorer. But all it really means is that you'll be in the situation most doctoral students are in when they're working on their dissertations, without the luxury of certain forms of financial aid you've gotten used to. Get your head out of your fricking navel. There are so many worse things that happen to people. Where the hell do you get off fishing for pity—from God or anyone else?

Then again, if God observes the fall of every sparrow; if our Heavenly Parents desire to give their children good things; if Christ has taken upon himself all our sorrows, then there's something to be said, some comfort to be taken, from knowing that God does feel bad for me. As soon as I say that, I wince at the self-aggrandizement. Ah f--- it: I'll allow myself the luxury of a few moments of unadulterated self-pity, a few moments of gratefully soaking in the knowledge of God's empathy. It makes me feel better.

Okay, there. Done. Thanks be to God.

Easter's coming. I've said that I believe the Easter story is God telling me that tragedy and heartbreak and destruction are never the end of the story. If I can have faith that's true for the big tragedies, I can have faith it's true for the microscopic ones, too. Pick myself up and move on. Jesus is walking with me—or rather, he invites me to walk with him as he heads off to tackle much bigger problems than mine.

***********

Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother—

Help me provide for my family.
Open my eyes to opportunities for work.
Guide me as I make tough decisions.
Ouch! Let me rephrase that: Guide Hugo and me and as we make tough decisions.
Help me get the dissertation written in as timely a manner as possible.
Help me find a teaching position that will let me put our family on a stable financial footing.

I know lots and lots of people are praying for these things.
And I know lots and lots of people don't get the things they're praying for.
I certainly don't deserve to have my prayers answered any more than they do.
But I'm praying anyway because... I just have to. For my own peace of mind.
And because you ask me to.

In Christ's name, amen.