The Psalm of Nephi and other thoughts

This week I read 2 Nephi 3-5. The centerpiece of the reading is the Psalm of Nephi (4:16-35). Before I respond to that text, though, I want to record a couple of other thoughts I’ve had this week.

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In 2 Ne. 3:5, Lehi prophesies about the latter-day restoration of his—and let’s add Sariah’s—descendents. He says that “the Messiah should be made manifest unto them in the latter days, in the spirit of power, unto the bringing of them out of darkness unto light—yea, out of hidden darkness and out of captivity unto freedom.”

I love that as an image of the Restoration. The Restoration is Christ made manifest in the modern world—in other words, Christ’s power working among us to bring about enlightenment and liberation. That power operates at the level of individual lives, within families, or on a larger scale within whole communities and societies. This vision of the Restoration offers a standard for judging how well Latter-day Saint religion is living up to what it’s supposed to be—whether we’re talking about the LDS Church as an institution or about my own personal religiosity as someone who professes to practice a Mormon spirituality. Is my religion a channel for Christ’s power? Does my spiritual practice produce enlightenment and liberation for others as well as for myself? Do I cultivate the kinds of interpersonal relationships in which Christ can be made manifest? I’m thinking here of the principle that wherever two or more people gather in Christ’s name, Christ is in their midst (Matt. 18:20; D&C 6:33). To put it more succinctly: Do I practice the love of Christ?

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I’ve been thinking about the Gospel reading from the Ash Wednesday service I attended earlier this week. It was the part of the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus says that you shouldn’t pray or do good to be seen by others. I’ve been thinking about that principle in relation to this blog. Basically, what I’m doing on this blog is transferring my spiritual journaling from a notebook, which I didn’t expect anyone would ever read except me, to an online forum where it can be read by anyone with Internet access. I’m doing this because I feel it’s important to model a liberal Mormon spirituality for the benefit of LDS individuals, especially young adults, whose thinking, intuition, and experience are drawing them in a theologically liberal direction. Given the overwhelmingly conservative climate of today’s LDS Church, such individuals are liable to give up on Mormonism altogether unless they can be persuaded that the tradition does offer resources for liberal understanding and spiritual practice. This blog is my effort to show people what’s possible, based on my own understanding and experience. I think of it as standing up to bear my testimony in front of the whole World Wide Web.

The question is: By moving my spiritual journaling to a public forum, am I praying and doing good to be seen of others? Certainly as I write these posts, I’m aware that I’m not just writing for myself anymore. I have an audience now, and there’s a certain sense in which that means I’m performing. Will that impede my ability to receive the kind of spontaneous inspiration I experienced back when I was journaling just for myself? I don’t know. It’s something I want to be sensitive to as I keep blogging. Elsewhere in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus exhorts us to let our light shine so that others will see the good we do and glorify God. Where’s the line between taking my candle out from under a bushel (Matt. 5:15) and sounding a trumpet so I can have “glory of men” (Matt. 6:2)? I’ll have to feel my way through that with the Spirit’s guidance.

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God of grace—

This week, as I read the Psalm of Nephi, I was reminded of the things you’ve done for me.

I know in whom I have trusted.

You were my support during my mission to the Dominican Republic, “upon the waters of the great deep.”

You taught me what it means to live by faith—how to live with conviction but without certainty. You gave me a testimony of the Restoration’s power to bless people’s lives.

You blessed me to experience your love. When I felt worthless and incompetent and depressed, when I felt like a failure, you made me feel your arms wrapped around me. You gave me the gift of rewarding relationships with other people—companions, investigators, members.

When I left church activity, came out of the closet, and struck out on my own, you guided me through that personal wilderness. When I got lost, you showed me how to get back in touch with spiritual traditions that would nourish me.

You freed me from the guilt and anger and depression, the sense of being trapped, that I felt when I was trying to fit into an orthodox church. You gave me the grace to accept my sexual orientation before making what would probably have been a disastrous attempt at courtship and marriage and family. You opened new roads before me and helped me find the courage to walk them.

You have given me liberally the desires of my heart. You’ve brought a partner into my life. You’ve guided me into what I hope will prove a satisfying career, where I can use my intellectual gifts for service.

Help me to be a better person—a kinder, more considerate, more loving person. Fill me with the love you bestow on those who follow your Son.

Help me to be less angry with the people I’m inclined to think of as my enemies. Or rather, perhaps, help me channel that anger in productive ways—to turn it into energy to work for change.

In Christ’s name, amen.