John Chrysostom's Easter sermon--updated

It's just before midnight on Saturday night. Hugo and I just returned from the Easter vigil. At the Advocate, it's tradition at the vigil to read St. John Chrysostom's fourth-century Easter sermon. (Follow the link for a traditional translation.) It's a miscellancy of mixed scriptural metaphors: the parable of the wage-laborers, the banquet of the Lord, Christ's victory over death and hell, etc.

For a couple years now, Hugo has toyed with the idea of creating a new "equivalency translation" of the sermon that updates the ancient metaphors with contemporary equivalents. I think of it as a "remix." This year we finally did it, and we got to debut it at the Easter vigil. People seemed to enjoy it—they laughed appreciatively or hmm'ed thoughtfully in appropriate places. The point of the "remix" wasn't just to be cutely novel. It was to get people to pause and think about the meaning of metaphors that are so familiar they've become clichés.

Anyway, here's our "remix" or "updated translation" of St. Chrysostom's easter sermon. Again, if you're not familiar with the traditional text, you may want to follow the link to read that first.

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Are you a fan of God?
Go on in to the backstage party—no pass required!
Have you been working for the Lord?
Call it a day—time for a well-deserved celebration!

A hard day’s work on an empty stomach?
Punch out—the Boss is taking us out for dinner!
If you’ve been clocked in since eight this morning—
by all means, come and eat.
If you didn’t arrive at work til ten—
that’s fine, meet us at the restaurant!
You only worked a half day after lunch?
No problem, you’re still invited.
You’ve only been at work since three?
Don’t worry about it—you come, too.
You showed up a half hour before closing?
Believe me, really, there’s no reason you shouldn’t join us.

That’s how the Lord works: There are no privileges for seniority.
New hires get the same retirement package
as those who have been with the firm for years.
The perks flow freely to everyone—
the Lord is thrilled just to have you working for him.
And he rewards your intentions, not just your accomplishments.

So join the party, everyone—the Lord’s joy is contagious!
First or last—the same bonus waits for all!
White collar or blue collar—mingle, rub elbows, dance together!
Whether you’ve been hard at work or you’ve been procrastinating—
you’re welcome to the party either way.
Whether you fasted or forgot—it doesn’t matter now, the buffet is spread.
Dig in—no one is allowed to leave hungry!
Eat your fill, everyone, at the banquet of faith.

Charge whatever you need to God’s corporate account.
Don’t worry about what you lack—the fullness of the kingdom has come among us.
Don’t beat yourself up over your failings—forgiveness has leaped out of the tomb.
Don’t be afraid of death—the death of our Savior has set us free.

He let the Grim Reaper take him—then splintered his scythe into pieces.
He plunged into the underworld—and wreaked havoc!
Hell swallowed him whole—and discovered it had eaten poison!
Isaiah put it nicely: “Poor Hell, what an unpleasant surprise
when he popped down to say hello!”

Hell is throwing a fit because it has received notice that it is being shut down.
Hell is blowing its top because it has become a laughingstock.
Hell is freaking out because its mortgage has been foreclosed.
Hell is going ballistic because it has been marked for demolition.
Hell is screaming mad because it is being hauled out of the building in handcuffs.

Hell grabbed what it thought was one more corpse—
and found itself in hand-to-hand combat with God.
Hell seized possession of earth—
and found itself face-to-face with an insurgency from heaven.
It took the bait, and failed to see the fishing line.

Where’s that creepy knife of yours now, Grim Reaper?
And you, Hell—you called the race too soon!

Christ is risen—and you, Death, are entombed!
Christ is risen—and Hell’s goons are knocked flat on their backs!
Christ is risen—and the angels are dancing in the streets!
Christ is risen—and life is walking out of prison!
Christ is risen—and all the graves are empty.
For Christ is only the first to rise;
his empty tomb is just the beginning of an abundant harvest.

Glory and power are his forever! Amen!